March 29th, 2015 forever changed my life. That morning, I felt what I can only describe as part of my life being violently ripped from my heart, my body, my soul. If you have ever lost someone who had such a major impact on your life & was one of the most important people in your life you will understand the feeling. I walked around from March 29th, until around Christmas in a half alive daze, as if the world had stopped spinning, and I was navigating on my own. I was plunged into a life that was severe highs and severe lows. Kolton was born less than 2 months after my mom passed away. Which means EVERY first holiday with Kolton was also a first without my mom. How does one navigate that? I have no answer for that.
Something about making it through Christmas was like an accomplishment. I have made it this far. I can keep going. I can keep fighting my way out of this fog. The world starts to spin again, and I can talk about her without tears coming straight to my eyes and my throat closing up. The sucky part about that, is it feels like a betrayal. I am betraying my mom somehow. Although I know she would want me to keep moving on, go on without her, I can't help that feeling, that I am betraying her.
I look at Kolton and there are "faces" he makes that remind me so much of her, my mom. To this day, I still wish that God would have granted her a few more months, enough time to see her grandson, to hold him, to kiss him, to have those moments captured in photos, that I can show him one day. Instead I have tried to imagine her here, I know her well enough I can picture the faces she would make, her voice, what she would say to him, and be just as tickled by him as I am.
One year later, I am still in disbelief, that I made it this far without her.
& something tells me, I will feel that way for the rest of my life.
Until I see her again.
xoxo
Jamie
Something about making it through Christmas was like an accomplishment. I have made it this far. I can keep going. I can keep fighting my way out of this fog. The world starts to spin again, and I can talk about her without tears coming straight to my eyes and my throat closing up. The sucky part about that, is it feels like a betrayal. I am betraying my mom somehow. Although I know she would want me to keep moving on, go on without her, I can't help that feeling, that I am betraying her.
I look at Kolton and there are "faces" he makes that remind me so much of her, my mom. To this day, I still wish that God would have granted her a few more months, enough time to see her grandson, to hold him, to kiss him, to have those moments captured in photos, that I can show him one day. Instead I have tried to imagine her here, I know her well enough I can picture the faces she would make, her voice, what she would say to him, and be just as tickled by him as I am.One year later, I am still in disbelief, that I made it this far without her.
& something tells me, I will feel that way for the rest of my life.
Until I see her again.
xoxo
Jamie
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