April 29, 2015

God had other plans..

The months of March and April ended up going very differently than anything I had even remotely planned for. Some time during the month of March, my mom went into the hospital because of a pain she was having on her right side. After doing some tests, the Dr. determined that she had some spots.. spots on her lungs, her kidneys, and a spot on her brain. Pretty quickly they decided to do surgery on my moms head to remove the spot on her brain. We then learned she had cancer.

We were told that the cancer was a slow moving cancer, and that April 4th the Dr.s would determine a treatment plan for her. After the surgery, my mom had trouble speaking... she knew what she wanted to say, but could not communicate it with us. This was something we were told would happen, and that it would come to an end and she would be normal again. After a little while in the hospital she was transferred to a rehab center. They wanted to get her stronger to deal with any type of treatment plan they would put in motion for the cancer.

Then one morning my dad called me.. he said that my mom had gone into respiratory arrest and had been taken back to the hospital. I went in terrified that I would get terrible news, my dad told me it was not looking good. When I got there, she immediately recognized me, smiled and held my hand. I sat with her for a very long time and was with her when they transferred her to ICU. I went to the hospital every single day to visit with her, most of the time she slept, but started to wake up more and more and talk with me, some of what she said made absolutely no sense. But I did my best to understand her.

Then. Saturday March 28.. I went to the hospital, she was doing so good.. She woke up within minutes of me being there. She spent all morning talking with me. I left for a bit, told her I would be back with Keith later on and she said "good he can take me home." We spent the entire evening with her, talking and laughing. The nurse told us that Monday they would be transferring her back to the rehab center. We talked about Easter, made plans to bring all the kids to the rehab center and somehow do a mini Easter egg hunt with her.

It started getting late, I told my mom I was getting tired.. she told me
yeah, go home and get some rest, I love you.
I told her I loved her and would see her tomorrow...

I had no idea that would be the last time I would ever speak to my mom.
I can remember not wanting to leave. Sometimes I wonder if I had stayed with her that night, would I have noticed something was wrong with her? Would the Dr.s have been able to save her if they knew something was wrong sooner? I think she knew.. I had said something to her about Kolton, and she just gave me this sad smile.. a smile, that I will NEVER forget. I asked her if she was still excited about him, and she said yes, but she looked so sad. I will never ever forget the look in her eyes.. the sadness in her voice. I brushed it off, but she knew. she had to know that she would never get to hold my baby boy. I had just been so sure, that even with her health, she would get to see my first baby..

Early March 29 my dad called me and told me that my mom had gone into respiratory arrest again.
I rushed to the hospital, but by the time I got there she was gone.

After that, everything is pretty much a blur, the services, the burial. Everything.

I will never understand WHY. I know there are some things that God never intended for us to know.. but I really wish, that she had just been given a couple more months.. that's all I needed. I wanted forever, but I needed a little more time. As much pain as she was in, I know she did too. 

xoxo Jamie